


Lies

by squiggledrop



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crying, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:29:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28056171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squiggledrop/pseuds/squiggledrop
Summary: Reader and Spencer are dating, but when Reader sees him with someone else, she becomes extremely self-conscious and ignores him. Spencer tries to figure out what he did wrong.
Relationships: Spencer Reid & Reader, Spencer Reid & You, Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 74





	Lies

Salty tears hit the cold tiles of the hotel bathroom floor. With your back against the tub and your head in your hands, you let yourself succumb to the voices in your head. You thought you had been doing better, sure some days were worse than others, but you felt like you were making progress. But now, after having your heart obliterated by the man you love so deeply, all of your insecurities darted throughout your brain, pounding at the sides of your head. 

You felt like such an idiot. Of course he would find someone else. How could you have let yourself believe he really loved you when there were so many women out there who were better looking and more fun to be around. Why would anyone want to be with someone who was as self-conscious and shy as you? Spencer deserved someone who wouldn’t shy away from taking pictures with him because you hated the way you looked or cancel dinner plans because the thought of anyone but him seeing you made you nauseous. That’s why it didn’t surprise you when you saw the way he flirted with that police officer today. 

You were reading through some case files with Spencer when he noticed your coffee cup was empty. He had gotten up to get you a refill, which you smiled and thanked him for. You watched as his tall, lean body walked over to the coffee machine. He brushed his dark curls out of his face as he waited for the mug to fill. You knew you should be working to find the unsub, but you couldn’t pull your eyes away from the man in the purple cardigan. You softly chuckled to yourself as you scanned down to his dirty converse, where his mismatched socks peeked through the bottom of his mahogany pants. You bit back a smile as you took in the sight of your adorable boyfriend. You were so lucky to have him. He knew about your mental health struggles and always supported you, which you were thankful for. But, that still didn’t relieve any of the guilt you had at making him put up with you. That’s why, when you saw him laughing the way he always laughs with you, due to something that extremely beautiful cop just said to him as she placed her hand on his arm, your world shattered.

You know Spencer did nothing wrong and that he was just being his quirky, lovable self, but, seeing how she made him smile caused you to think how much better off he would be with someone like her. She probably didn’t have panic attacks at night that made his tired eyes sulk into his head even more. She would probably love to wear a beautiful dress out to dinner so he could show her off. She could probably make him so much happier than you ever could. Your mind swarmed with voices telling you how you weren’t enough and that Spencer probably resented you. You tried to focus on the papers in front of you and reassure yourself that you were being irrational and that it was all your head, but it was no use. Your anxiety consumed you, drowning you in all of your insecurities. You tried to gasp for air, but all you could do was sit idly by as you watched the man of your dreams flirt with a beautiful woman through the tears that swelled in your eyes.

When Spencer returned with your coffee he set it down and placed a kiss to the top of your head. You wanted nothing more than to hug him and feel his reassuring body consume you, but you didn’t want him to see your tears, so you remained silent with your head down.

“Hey, is everything okay?” he asked, concern lacing his voice. You bit your lip and couldn’t think of anything to say. “(Y/n), talk to me. What’s up?” He reached out to touch your arm in hopes of getting you to answer him, but you flinched at the contact. “I’m-I’m sorry”, he stammered, terrified he had done something wrong.

“I-I have to go help JJ”, you said softly, as you bolted out of the room, making sure he couldn’t see your tear-stained cheeks.

“(Y/n)...”, he called after you, standing up. You couldn’t bring yourself to put all of your problems on him, just to make him feel bad for doing nothing wrong, so you kept your head down as you walked out of the precinct. Spencer followed you, calling out your name, but you got into the black SUV and sped away before he could even make it to the door.

You avoided Spencer for the rest of the day. You hated yourself for ever letting your mind convince you Spencer would cheat on you, and you hated yourself even more for how guilty you were making him feel by not talking to him about how guilty you felt for thinking it. Spencer tried to talk to you, but you kept brushing him off, his devastated face making you hate yourself even more. You didn’t deserve him. He deserved someone who made him feel as amazing as you knew he was. He didn’t deserve to be treated like this, but you didn’t know what to do. You would hurt him if you talked to him about it, but you were hurting him by saying nothing too.

“Hey, is (y/n) okay?” Derek asked Spencer as they were on their way to the most recent dumpsite.

“I don’t know. She was fine one second and then all of a sudden completely shut me out. She won’t even look at me… I don’t know what I did. I just, I need to make sure she’s okay.” Derek gave him a sympathetic smile as he placed a reassuring hand on Spencer’s shoulder.

“I’m sure she’ll come around. I know she struggles with some stuff, but, you are the only person I’ve seen make her smile as big as she does when she’s with you”, Spencer gave a thankful nod in return. “And in any case, I always find flowers and some chocolate are always a good idea when a woman is giving you the silent treatment”, Spencer rolled his eyes as Derek chuckled.

When you all regrouped at the station later that night, Hotch had told everyone to head back to the hotel so you could start fresh the next morning. As everyone was leaving, Spencer chased after you, reaching for your hand, but you pulled it away. In defeat, he let you go and the two of you rode in separate cars back to the hotel for the first time since you joined the team three years ago. On the way there, Spencer replayed every moment from the day in his head over and over, trying to figure out what happened to make you so upset. He hated seeing you hurt like this, and all he wanted to do was take away your pain.

Once at the hotel, everyone went their separate ways to get some much-needed rest. You walked about ten paces ahead of Spencer, not daring to let him see you. When you made it to the room, you tried to use the key card, but the door wouldn’t open.  _ Ugh! I can’t even work a stupid door! _ you mentally yelled at yourself. Seeing your struggle caused Spencer’s face to fall and his heart to clench.

“Here, you just have to-”, he said softly as he took the card and opened the door. Without acknowledging him, you pushed through into the room. Spencer slowly closed the door, before turning around to face you. You had your back to him, sitting on the edge of the far bed, opening your bag to get ready for bed. “(Y/n), please talk to me”, he begged. After not receiving any form of a response, you heard him walk towards you and, without thinking, you snapped.

“Just leave me alone!”, you said, definitely loud enough for the entire floor to hear.

“(Y/n)...”, he chocked out, tears running down his face.

“Just go! I don’t want to talk to you.” Your enraged voice hid the sadness you felt, and your heart sunk even lower as you heard Spencer huff as he closed the door behind him. You finally let the tears fall that you had been holding back the entire car ride. You walked into the bathroom, not wanting him to see you like this in case he came back. That’s when you realized it:  _ if  _ he came back. Your stupid self had pushed Spence away for no reason and now he was gone. You cursed yourself for hurting the man who had done nothing but love you and care for you. At least now you knew the voices were right. You didn’t deserve Spencer. At least now he could find someone whose beauty complemented his. Someone who was confident, smart, and made him feel loved. You sank down onto the cold tiles and wished that you could have been enough for him because he deserved the world.

You didn’t notice when the hotel door opened, because all you could hear were your loud sobs and the voices telling you how much happier Spencer must be now that you weren’t there to bother him. You only noticed he was standing in front of you when you heard his gasp at the sight of you on the floor. You looked up to see him standing there, tears streaming down his face matching yours, with a box of your favorite chocolates and the most beautiful bouquet of flowers you had ever seen in his hands. A pit formed in your stomach and you began to cry even harder. You were so undeserving of this man. After you had ignored him for the whole day and yelled at him to leave, he decided to go out and buy you gifts, and all you could do was cry. He came and sat next to you, causing you to shift away from him, not wanting to meet his gaze. 

“Look, I know you don’t want to talk to me, and that’s okay. But, please, just listen to me”, after not receiving any form of response from you, he continued, “(Y/n), I have been replaying everything that happened today, trying to figure out what I did. I’m so sorry for whatever it was that hurt you this bad. I want you to know I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I love you so much. You mean the world to me.” He paused for a moment to quickly wipe a tear off his cheek. “I got you these because Derek said it always worked for him. I just- I want you to tell me what’s wrong so I can apologize and try to fix it.” You closed your eyes, his words making you feel even worse about yourself. After all the pain you put him through today, he was the one apologizing to you. You didn’t understand how someone so perfect could say they love someone who was anything but.

“Spencer…”, he looked up at you with his big, sad eyes, “I’m so sorry”, you choked out. “I don’t deserve you. I’m so sorry”, you cried.

“Hey, no no no. Don’t say that”, he said as he brought you into his arms, grateful that you finally let him touch you. “I love you so much, and you deserve everything and more, okay?”

“No, I don’t! I’m a terrible girlfriend, and I hurt you and made you cry. I ignored you and you repaid me by bringing me gifts.” You pulled away from him and looked him in the eyes. “Why are you even with me when you deserve so much better?”

“How could you even say that”, he looked genuinely hurt.

“Because! I’m stupid and annoying and I’m no fun to be around, and you are so great and you should be with someone who is pretty and likes to go out and have fun and doesn’t get anxious, or-”, at that, Spencer knew what was really going on.

“(Y/n), why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this. You know I would have been there for you. I know it’s hard, but you can’t listen to the voices telling you lies okay? They are wrong, they are so so wrong.” He cupped your face and ran his thumb across your cheek, “I know you don’t always see it, but you are the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. You are the only person who will listen to my rambles and you are my favorite person to spend time with. You are my entire world, (y/n). You are more than enough.”

“But that’s not true!”

“Yes. It is.”

“What about that police officer today. The really beautiful tall one? She made you laugh and your eyes lit up the same way they do when you are with me.” 

“(Y/n)-” Spencer was about to interject but you continued over him.

“And I know you would never cheat on me or do anything to purposefully hurt me. And you did absolutely nothing wrong and I’m so sorry for hurting you when you did nothing to deserve it. It’s just, whenever I see you with another girl, I think about is how easily she could take you away for me. All I’m saying is that I would understand if you did leave me for someone prettier and more fun, like her, because you deserve someone who makes you happy and not someone like me who makes your life harder.” You were both silent for a moment before Spencer took your hands in his.

“Please look at me”, you did as he asked and painfully met his gaze, “I don’t want anyone but you. You are a ray of sunshine in my life. You make me the happiest I have ever been, even when I know you struggle to see yourself how I see you. You are never a burden to me, okay? I want you to always tell me what’s going on in your head because your problems are my problems, and nothing would make me happier than helping you and supporting you through them. I don’t care that sometimes we change our plans and just stay in because my favorite place in the world is snuggling with you on the couch. I don’t care that sometimes you wear my sweatpants and t-shirts because you don’t like how your clothes look on you because I think you look adorable and I feel so lucky to have a girlfriend as beautiful as you. I don’t care that we don’t always take a picture every time we go out on a date because I have an eidetic memory and don’t need a physical picture to get to see all of our memories together whenever I want. And I don’t care that sometimes you get anxious and your mind convinces you that you aren’t good enough because I know how amazing you are and I’ll always be there to help you through it and remind you of much I love you.” By now you were sobbing again, but this time they were happy tears. Spencer pulled you into his chest, as you breathed in his warm scent that instantly comforted you. 

“I love you”, you mumbled into his shirt.

“I love you. So much”, he said, placing a kiss on your cheek.

“And Spence?” You asked, lifting your head up, placing your hands in his hair.

“Yeah?”, he said, looking up at you with lust-filled eyes as he rested his hands on your hips.

“Thank you for loving me”, you smiled, your heart so full you thought it would burst.

“Thank you for letting me love you”, he brought you in for a gentle, yet passionate kiss and you melted into him. Although you knew you would always have rough days like today, as long as you had Spencer there to hold your hand, you knew you would be okay.


End file.
